Feeling Empty

Have you ever sat and pondered the purpose of life?

Just…stopped.

Stopped whatever you were doing and sat down, because you needed to think, needed to decide on a direction before you did anything else, even if it was just to sway in the winds of your trials and troubles.

Because you didn’t know which direction to go anymore.

Didn’t even know if you were moving in the first place in order to stop until you’d actually sat right down and thought about it.

This was very much one of those moments for Neal.

He realized that this was likely what had happened to Star and Comet, his untouchable cousins who were more sisters to him than anything else. Unbelievably old in comparison to everyone and anyone they’d ever met and yet so full of innocence.

Somehow untouched by all that they had seen and lived through, though how you could call most of their existence actually living was a mystery to him for so many years.

There had likely been millions if not billions of times that one or the both of them had sat down and stopped to think just as he was doing now.

It didn’t help him at all.

Because he didn’t know just what two paths (or possibly more) that they were choosing between. What good could such knowledge do for Neal now anyway? It wasn’t likely that he’d choose the path that led back to his family (though they likely would never call him such again). Going that way would be far more painful in the short run (possibly even the long run if he was honest. Some things once broken can never be put back together, especially when the pieces have been ground down to dust and scattered.)

Continuing the path he’d tread for so many decades now (had it really been that long? It didn’t feel like it) seemed the far more sensible course to take. He was already familiar with this path in the first place after all, and it was an old friend (or at least, an only friend.) Could he really abandon something he’d fought so long and hard for?

(Hadn’t he already had to rip apart his own heart and purpose once? Shouldn’t that have been enough?)

(It wasn’t. He knows that, somewhere inside of what is left of the soul he traded for empty promises.)

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Not Really Gone

Losing someone is really a choice

Especially should you cling to the memory

Telling yourself that you’ve moved on

 

Manic in your words and actions

Even as your mouth insists otherwise

 

Gone are the joys that you once shared

Only the hollow emptiness remains

Just Another Day

Hardened hands

Dirt encrusted

Wet and too dry

Tired and cracked

Reaching gently out

Nudging one kid

Away from the teat

Time for another

To have their treat

Mother tries to move away

Too many kids

Lifting up her legs

Cracked and dirty hands push away

“Only two at a time

Don’t o’erwhelm her.”

Gentle, but tired

The voice rings out

Tired arms reach down

Hefting up mewling kids

Cuddle three of the small ones

Quiet them and watch

As Mother feeds the other two

Calmer now she’s not rushed

Just another day.

Start of Summer Work – Thankful Thursday

Today is the last day of school for my sister’s kids until the end of August (but just the kids I live with, all of my other nieces and nephews won’t be out for at least another week or so.)

So today I am grateful for them no longer being in class all day so that we can catch up on a lot of things on the farm. (cackles)

I just know that they’re going to miss school for at least the first three weeks of summer before we get all of the harder stuff done. School means they can escape some of the farm chores during the day and summer means more work, though it should peter out eventually in time for them to be able to go over to my younger sister’s apartment and enjoy the pool there by the end of June at the earliest.

Check out the original Thankful Thursday. (Will update link when able.)