About martha0stout

I like to read and write and hang out with my family and friends. I currently live on a farm and all that such a living entails.

Only Innocent Folks Here – Silent Sunday

image: Ysma and Cheese; from martha0stout’s phone
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The Choice

While movement is needed to heal
Ordinary tasks feel impossible
Relying on determination to power through
Taking time to rest is also required
Hoping that everything holds together

Times I have wondered, in pain
Having the thought of another way
Even as I know there is not

All I can know is to move
Going forward needed regardless
Opening myself to healing pain
Not going to ignore what’s needed
Years it may take, but not regretted

Started this because I’ve thrown out my back and it’s agony to work through the stretches for something like a week now. It got me thinking about the pain from emotional and mental wounds, though. We have to stretch in more ways than just physically when we’re hurt in more ways than just physical. It hurts when you’re healing because you’re having to build back up a piece at a time and you still have to rest to keep what’s healing from breaking down all over again.

I read a post once about a child and their parent arguing over whether whatever doesn’t kill you actually makes you stronger. The dad went away for a bit and then came back and reminded their kid about how they had fixed the kid’s bookshelf after it broke and how the use of the wood glue with the screws had made the shelf stronger now than it had been before it broke. Because they had been talking about this, the dad realized that it wasn’t the breaking of the shelf that made it stronger, but the act of fixing or healing it, which was a choice that they had made instead of just throwing the shelf out.

So it isn’t the thing that tried to hurt or kill you that makes you stronger after surviving, it’s the choice you make to heal and then sticking to that choice even as it hurts.

It’s Not About What You Earn

Don’t you talk about someone I love like that
Even as I try to keep my temper
Speaking evenly instead of spitting
Reaching inside for whatever calm there is
Even as they continue harshly
Verging on starting a full-blown fight
Especially don’t talk about yourself that way
Speaking about someone I care about includes you

I get into arguments with one of my siblings sometimes. They have a hard time when speaking about themselves and sometimes when speaking with others as well. It bothers me because I care about not only the others my sibling is speaking about, but about them, the speaker, as well. I see a meme sometimes about how someone warns a group of people not to talk about their loved one like that or they’re going to get a punch to the face. This is usually followed by that loved one speaking poorly about themselves and the other immediately having to find a way to follow through with their original threat.

That meme always made me laugh.

It’s both not as funny while also still being hilarious having to experience it in real life.

Quiet the Mind in the Snow

Don’t stop moving forward
Remember that you can pause to rest
Instinct says to push, push, push
Voice tired and straining to keep up
Even as you stop for a breath
Walking onward and onward
And knowing you can’t do it alone
You remember who works beside you

I like to work, to clean. It’s something that I’ve always enjoyed even as my ability to keep working through the hours has waned, the time I’m able to put into physically cleaning or organizing has shortened.

I was asked once why I like cleaning so much. I thought about it a lot and I realized just why I enjoy it. Moving meditation. I took a meditation class when I was younger and found that I struggled to sit still and clear my mind. There was always something running through my head and I didn’t know how to let the thoughts float away. However, I can let my thoughts go when I’m cleaning something.

Cleaning or organizing lets my body move and lets me focus on letting thoughts drift by instead of feeling the urge to hold onto them. Which is a good thing, considering we have a large driveway to be cleared of snow now, but only have one working snow shovel. I don’t have to clear the whole thing by myself, which is good, because I can’t, but I can work on it and let it help clear my mind.

It makes it easier to go back to studying once I’ve used up my physical energy to the point that my mind is calm once more.

Strength To Carry On

Remember each moment that’s gone by
Even as you say farewell
Grief lets you know of the love
Rent from you by the veil
Each precious moment a shining star
Taking your heart as they fell

I was told once that you know you’re an adult when you have to make your own doctor appointments. I’ve found that, though this is true, it’s also…not.

You know you’re an adult when you have to schedule a final appointment for a beloved, but slowly dying family pet.

Just remember that your love for them can keep you warm after they’ve gone ahead.