Chaotic Space – Traces Prompt #11

Many times in my life, I’ve shared my basic space.
Yet always I have yearned for my very own place.
 
Rarely have I had a moment’s peace
Only madness anc chaos have I known.
Or would it be better to say
My life is not just my own.

I have a lot of siblings. A lot. I also now have a lot of nieces and nephews (their numbers finally are higher than the numbers of my siblings and I with the twins being born.) No matter what house (or apartment or duplex) I have lived in, there have been people who double up for bedrooms.

(Well, except for that short time (almost 18 months!) where there were only five of us left in my childhood home.)

For all the chaos in my life (and there has been a lot) I don’t know if I’d be able to survive long when nothing is happening and there’s nothing to do. I like being able to work, even if it’s only from home or at home. Though I do know how to spend most of a day with only a lot of people around during the evening. I’d like to think that I’m pretty adaptive, but I do have this thing with my head and neck. I don’t like people to touch them unless it’s okay with me. (History of head and neck injuries here so I’m a little paranoid.)

Either way, I did like writing a short little poem here and then rambling for a bit. This post was inspired by last Thursday’s Traces Prompt from Olianna.

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Souls of My Shoe – Traces Prompt #4

I can feel it, negativity! -Sailor Moon

What do you do all day?

Do you sit and think of what you’ve lost?

Do you throw in the towel when the fight’s just begun?

 Sometimes I just don’t
Know what to do…
I want to give in,
Stop in the souls of my shoe.
 
Too exhausted to carry on,
I’m tired and worn out.
“Get up you lazy bum!”
You don’t need to shout.
 
Why must you do this?
Try so hard to drag me down,
Almost as if you’ve decided
To run me out of town.
 
Well you know what?
I’m not going to comply.
I’m done with listening to this
And I’m not going to let it get by.
 
I have a life,
Moments of my own,
And I’m not going to let you stop me
And take what I have grown.
 
If you want to be down
And let your life turn to ash,
Then do so if you will
Though I think such actions are rash.
 
Because there’s so much more out there,
Waiting for you to stand up;
To take what has been given
And never give it up.
 
It may take you some time
To come to terms with this,
Until you do so,
You I will surely miss.
 
Just know that I will always be here,
Waiting for you to come home.
Sitting outside each evening,
And missing you while you roam.
 
Because this is a decision
That only you can make.
And from you I will never
Try your life to take.
 
So learn and grow
And always my friend,
I hope you know
That in my heart you’ll have a place.

Written in response to Olianna’s Traces Prompt: http://tracesofthesoul.wordpress.com/2014/05/29/traces-prompt-4-stop-raining-on-my-parade/#like-10040

And because I’ve had to watch people I love walk away from me because they needed to grow and it was something that I could not help with. And because sometimes I have been the one to walk away, because there were things I needed to know for myself that I could not learn through another.

Thank you, Olianna, for this incredible prompt today.

 

Life Will Happen

Thought it’d be over soon.

Thought it’d be done.

Thought it’ll be over soon.

Thought wrong.

Life has a way of just happening.

Of just coming along and throwing a spanner into the gears.

Thought it’d be over soon.

Thought it was just a moment’s delay.

Thought ‘I’ll be out of here.’

Thought wrong.

Thought it would be over soon.

Through fire and ice and the loneliness of time I have survived.

Thought this would be no different.

Thought wrong.

Life happens a lot.

It happens more than people will think.

It happens more than they will admit.

But it still happens.

All the platitudes and all the attitudes don’t make any difference.

Most of the time.

There will be times when there is nothing you can do.

You will watch and know that you are powerless to stop anything from happening.

Thought it’d be over soon.

Thought ‘I’m almost at the end.’

Thought wrong.


Written in part because it wouldn’t get out of my head whenever I think about this one particular part in the Former Guardian series, the part right before Comet is sent to another world entirely by her sister and in part because when I saw the prompt for the Daily Post today (https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/great-expectations/) it all just came out of my fingers.

At least now I can maybe work on something else…

It’s Raining, It’s Storming…

Yesterday it rained a lot (it’s still raining/snowing off and on today actually…) but I was reminded of something that happened several years ago.

Several years ago, when I was first in my twenties, a new library had opened up near our house. My mother, my sister and I went for the day to get some books and a few other things done (we didn’t have internet at the time). It was raining so hard that the librarians had to turn off the automatic function of the doors into the library because the rain kept setting them off!

I’d never seen it rain so much in my entire life!

I had grown up in a desert that required extensive canal-work in order to make it livable. Luckily for me, the canal system had been put in about 100 years before I was even born, so that work was done already. I hadn’t ever really realized I lived in a desert because there were trees everywhere and though it was always really hot in the summer and we didn’t have a lot of rain, there were plants that wouldn’t have survived on their own initially in a desert.

Half a year before the library doors incident, I’d gone on a very long road trip with my family to California. (One of my sisters was moving there and we all drove her and her stuff out there because it was summer and no one had school. Getting work off was fun, but doable.) I had never seen so much green in one place! That was when it really hit me: I lived in the middle of a desert!

So, fast forward half a year.

It’s raining so hard we’re having flooding everywhere, automatic doors have to be turned off and someone manning them in order to let customers/patrons in and out of the building. You walk outside for one whole minute and when you walk back in, you’re soaked like you jumped into a swimming pool fully clothed. (Which was a funny story, but I’m not talking about it right now. And yes, we actually timed the one minute thing just to be sure.)

I wondered if this was what monsoon season looked like in certain parts of the world.

The reason this story was on my mind was because we had gone to the library to take care of some things and pick up a few books (gardening books are all the rage at my house right now…) and I was reminded of that day so many years ago. The rain yesterday wasn’t even that heavy, it just gave me a small feeling of nostalgia to remember a time when it had rained so hard.

I have never seen it rain that hard since.

Stop me?

Music has always been an important part of my family. My father plays the trumpet, the french horn and sings in his church choir when he has the time. My mother plays the piano and trained to be a professional opera singer (though she decided to have children instead of going into it as a career in the end.) She also writes and arranges music or the piano, voice, string and woodwind. My mother taught all of us some piano and how to sing correctly (posture and breathing and all that). None of us escaped picking an instrument to learn on the side.

My eldest sister learned a little guitar and flute, though she never went farther than the basics with those two. She did learn to compose and write her own piano and vocal music.

My second eldest sister learned the trumpet and was in every band available from ninth grade on. She is also very skilled with the piano and her voice.

My third eldest sister learned a little bit of everything as she majored in Music Education in college and actually taught orchestra, band and a little choir before having children. She still teaches piano and violin and has her own drum set (among other instruments: flute, clarinet, organ, etc.)

My elder brother learned clarinet. He didn’t go very far on the piano because he just didn’t want to. (You can make a child sit at the piano for an hour; you can’t make him press any of the keys.)

My fourth elder sister learned trumpet and a little guitar. She was fairly good at the piano, but loved her art more than her music. She was in the A Capella Choir in her senior year of high school.

My youngest sister is very talented musically. She mostly learned the trumpet and singing. She did take some piano but quit because of other interests. When she was a teenager, she taught herself to play the piano by ear using only what little she remembered from grade school. She also was in high school choirs and bands with her trumpet. She learned a little guitar and a little flute and learns most instruments fairly quickly. (Lucky girl…)

My youngest brother (the baby of the family) learned the trumpet and voice as well, but he did not pursue either beyond middle school (although he does sing in our church choir as well.)

I learned slightly more piano than some of my siblings, but never got to the same proficiency as my eldest three sisters. I learned the flute and all but mastered it though it was a very large struggle. (I once spent three months learning how to play three notes. And at least one month before that on my posture alone.) Like the others I also learned some voice and took part in choir in high school and then the church choir.

The flute, on the other hand, was hard. It took me several years before middle school with a private teacher (friend of one of my elder sisters who played beautifully and was a great teacher!) Many people thought later that I was a genius with the flute. I was not. I hated learning that instrument and it left me many times in tears, in frustration, in the physical need to chuck that thing at the nearest wall screaming.

I didn’t, but some days it felt like a very near thing.

I had initially picked the flute because my eldest sister had played it for a bit and then given it up. I had loved the sounds she could coax out of it and thought that I would learn it easily enough.

That did not happen.

I spent the first year only having learned one note and that from the other players in my little elementary school band. The teacher, a man that wasn’t the best teacher, didn’t like me. He didn’t do very much with the flute players in his band (he mostly ignored us even though we were in the front of the group). He informed me once that I would never learn how to play the flute.

I don’t like being told I can’t do something like that.

I decided that I was going to learn that woodwind if it killed me.

It didn’t, but it was still a great pain in my neck. (Have you ever had to practice holding up a rod on metal for thirty minutes without the end dipping too high or too low? My teacher used a pencil in the end and if it moved then I had to start all over again. I had to do this for practice every single day until I could do it and play and not dip the end of my flute and wreck my posture and breathing.)

The only thing I had going for me with music was that I had perfect pitch. I had to learn everything else the hard way. I didn’t mind doing so as my mother taught me that if you really want something, you will see it through and do it right.

No power in the verse can stop me. -River Tam, “Firefly”

On the bright side, my parents had purchased most of the instruments prior to ever having children when my dad was in the Air Force. Even with little money as children had a nice selection of musical instruments to learn from without having to worry about rental costs.

Music comes easily to some of my siblings, but we all have a passion for learning it even if our reasons differ.


Written in response to today’s Daily Post prompt: https://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/25/daily-prompt-we-got-the-beat/

If you have the persistence to learn something that you’re bad at (and trust me, I was truly awful) then you have the guts to do just about anything with your life.

Man-Made

Silence is not real,
Not in the terms of actual sound waves.
Not to me.
Silence is something else entirely.
It is when you are not speaking to someone,
When you see one another and you pretend that the other
Does not exist.
 
Silence is not just in speaking,
It is in actions and thoughts and-
It is more than we are aware of,
Because nothing is so simple in life.
Life is not meant to be simple,
It is meant to be complex and full of color.
Silence and sound are much the same.
 
There is sound
As long as there is something to be the medium.
There is no real silence,
But that does not mean that we cannot try to create it.
Silence is not natural,
It is completely man-made.
Silence, real silence, is only found among men.

Written partially because of the weekly challenge from Daily Post (https://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/17/the-sound-of-silence/) and partially because once I’d gotten the thought of silence in my head I had to keep writing this.

Also, been spending the day mostly with vertigo that shifts the world to the left more than it should and concentrating on writing anything else failed at every turn.