For Better or Worse

They say that you don’t know the power you have as a mother, as a father, as a parent. You have all the power and time in the world in order to build them up, to help your child become everything.

You also have the power to destroy them utterly before they even have a chance with only a few words said at the worst possible moment.

There is no manual, no guidebook in what to do and what not to do save those that you have faith in and trust. Sometimes, even that isn’t enough due to wildly different circumstances and personalities.

And that’s why it’s so important that we watch what we say and how we act, because we don’t even know the power that is there when dealing with children, especially your own children.


These are the words that came to mind when I was watching an episode of the show “Code Black.” In the episode two brothers had been in a car accident that had taken the life of the younger brother. The older brother was driving drunk and was destroyed that he had caused his brother’s death. When their mother came, she was angry and grief-stricken and told her elder son that she had wished he had died instead.

Grief is a powerful thing, a dangerous thing, but something that we must go through if we wish to find peace.

In the show, the mother refuses to leave the hospital even if she won’t go and sit with her last living son. In fact, she denies that she even has another son for a good half of the show.

But she won’t leave the hospital, because no matter what she has said, her son, her eldest son, is still there.

In the end, she is able to overcome her anger and realize that her eldest son is already teetering on the edge of whether he wants to live anymore or not just with the knowledge that he helped to cause his brother’s death. One of the doctors (someone who had lost her husband and both children to a drunk driver before) tells the mother that she needs to let her son know that there is a reason for him to live.

Because the mother’s son has been asking the hospital to just let him die, because there is nothing left for him.

I don’t know all that the mother thought, because she wasn’t a main character in the show and the odds of her showing up again in a later episode aren’t very good, but I do know that the last scene we have of her is her holding her last son and telling him that he didn’t kill his brother and that she loves him.

She was crying and he was crying, but they were together and holding on to one another.

Once you are a parent, you are a parent until you die and likely even beyond that as well. Whether you are a good parent or a bad one isn’t static and it isn’t fate. It’s something you have to work for, something that you have to strive for and you will mess up, you will make mistakes and hurt your children. But that doesn’t mean that it has to be the end.

Don’t make it the end, no matter whether you have been a good parent or a bad one. There is always hope so long as you don’t completely give in to despair.

This child’s life is in your hands and your life is no longer about just you.

Now, it is about them.

Not So Unrequited – One-Liner Wednesday

Do you ever read one of those stories where people fall in what they believe is unrequited love only to have it turn out that it’s not as unrequited as they thought and then they float around on cloud nine when they realize that they love each other all along?


One of those kinds of stories just fell into my lap and I didn’t even know it until I was ¾ of the way through.

Check out the original One-Liner Wednesday. (Will update when able.)

Mistress Mary

Mistress Mary was not contrary

Nor was she quite so ordinary

Nor did she have a little lamb

Mary, you see, was quite the ham,

For yestereve,

When time was about to leave

She returned to home

For all day long

She’d been gone

Visiting children who swarm her in a throng.


Mom went to see my sister and her five children yesterday and they had a lot of fun. Mom’s so upbeat today that I came upstairs to her singing while she made biscuits and gravy for breakfast.

Moments in the Dark

The Spirit is still and small and it doesn’t compete. –from the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

 

Let me help to gently quide

In and out your daily life

Sending comfort and love in stride

To bolster you up through all strife

Especially when the boat does rock

Never forsaking you in the stocks.

 

Often I find myself in places that I don’t remember straying,

Wondering just what I was saying

To myself to let me take this turn

And losing my mind as my stomach does churn.

But with a still small voice

I remember I have a choice

To follow through the darkness where it will lead

And find myself in my mind while I plead

To be found no matter how lost

And accept the payment of the cost.

I won’t give up trying

No matter how I feel like dying

And take one more step

Then another, and yet…

I was not as alone

As I had previously thought

I was always with

The One that I sought.

Stitched From the Heart – Thankful Thursday

Quietly waiting to wrap around

Until the night sends its darkest hound.

In which comfort is drawn

Like love sent from beyond.

There is nothing more beautiful than a mother’s love.

image: Miri on my quilt, from martha0stout's phone

image: Miri on my quilt, from martha0stout’s phone

This week I am grateful for the lovely quilt that my mother made me when I was a teenager.

Check out the original Thankful Thursday. (I will update the link when able.)

EDIT: Link updated as of May 30, 2015

Fear Not, I Am With Thee

‘Fear not, I am with thee

Oh be not afraid

For I am thy God

And will still give thee aid

I’ll strengthen thee,

Help thee

And cause thee to stand

Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.

–LDS Hymn Book #85 – How Firm A Foundation

I’m human, I fear things and I worry about things a lot.

I worry that the next litter of rabbits will die before they can grow old enough. We’ve already lost 2 of the 3 litters that our rabbits have had.

I worry that the littlest chickies won’t survive as we’ve already lost one of the new six.

I worry that the chickens that are almost full grown will die as we just lost one of them last week due to illness though the rest of the flock are doing well.

I worry that the goats will get loose and I won’t be able to track them down in time to get them to come back.

I worry that the boys will miss their bus to school and I have no other way to get them the twenty miles from our house to the school building.

I worry that my mom will fall over and we will have to wait, at best, almost an hour for an ambulance to arrive.

I worry about people that I don’t see every day or even once a month.

I worry a lot. It’s something that I have struggled with throughout the majority of my adult life.

But one thing that I never fear is that the Lord will not answer my prayers. That He will not send the Comforter to be with me in my time of sorrow when I hold seven little bunnies who didn’t make it through the night. That He won’t prompt a neighbor to randomly drop by when I just need someone to talk to about nothing in particular. That He won’t find some other way to send me the aid I need even if it’s only my cat curling up on me at night and purring me to sleep after several sleepless hours.

I don’t fear His abandonment and so long as He walks with me then I know that I will not fall. Or if I do, He will be there to offer me a hand and pull back onto my feet and into His arms.

This little rant was brought to you by the Dungeon Prompt: Fear, How Do You Use It?

Kind Words – Thankful Thursday

How often do we speak kind words to each other? –Linda K. Burton

For a while, I was having a very hard time with my in ability to do anything. This was several years ago and just as I was adjusting to adult life while struggling with my lack of energy and my health, which at the time wasn’t very good at all. Getting out of bed seemed impossible at the time and getting dressed wasn’t even on my mind. My head always ached and at times any kind of light was too much. My sister’s children tried their hardest to be quiet, but even the sound of the wind on the window caused lances of pain in my head.

I was becoming bitter and so incredibly melancholy that nothing helped.

One day, my sister turned to me and told me (after a rather harsh argument over…something…I cannot remember now) that ‘just because you are feeling miserable does not give you the right to make those around you just as miserable. Why don’t you try thinking of at least one positive thing about every person you come across during the day?’

It was something I’d never thought about.

I had been a generally happy (and over excitable) child and had rarely had to worry about being too negative, so I had never practiced being positive about things.

So I started a list that I kept on my computer (because I wrote a lot during those months before I started getting stronger). I called it ‘Positive Side of Life List’ and I added to it every single day until, several months later, I realized that the first things I thought about weren’t negative, whether they were about me or someone else. There are still times when I go back and look through that list, but I am always grateful for that suggestion (though at the time it was closer to a demand) from my sister. It was just what I needed.

Sometimes kind words come after a harsh scolding.

Check out the original Thankful Thursday. (I will update the link when able.)

EDIT: Link updated as of May 2, 2015.

Faithful Companions – Thankful Thursday

Today I am grateful for the companionship of my cats and dog. Without them I know that I would have gone mad throughout my life. The companions may have changed in physical form, but I know that even when they pass on, they can continue to keep me company when I need it the most.

image; m

image: me and Tommy

Check out the original Thankful Thursday. (I hope to fix this link eventually.)

EDIT: Link updated March 7, 2015

The Love of a Family

Where do I go to find companionship?
Am I left drifting and alone?
Reaching out has always burned me in the past;
Don’t really know what to do…
 
For this moment, we are here
And here we shall stay.
My sister, my brother
I know it has been hard;
Love and acceptance
You will find aplenty.
 

This poem is dedicated to the River Bend Young Single Adult Ward in Utah and how I felt while I was there. The only sad thing about moving for me is the fact that I can’t take all of these wonderful people with me.