Golden Rainfall of Memory – Thankful Thursday

I know I’ve said it often that I am grateful for my family, for my parents and my siblings, my in-laws and my nieces and nephews, but I really am.

My parents for teaching me things that I have really needed as an adult.

(How to sew and care for a yard, how to love someone even when you’re anry with them and how to care for them even or especially when you just want to smack them in the face with a pillow.)

My siblings for too many things to name.

(Games played with as children, complicated knots used to keep you in your bedroom by tying the doors shut and so teaching you how to unknot even the most complicated of strings in your shoelaces as a result, how to accept help when you don’t think you need it, how to give help and love when it is not wanted.)

My in-law siblings.

(How to step back from people and rearrange priorities to knew ones that are more important, how to help and coordinate so that blessed events can come to pass years in advance than originally thought possible (like a much desired wedding) and how to wear yourself out with a smile.)

My nieces and nephews.

(How to stay up late and still be able to go to school in the morning, how to sing different songs when needed at different times of day, how to adapt stories on the fly for a smile or a goodnight, how to braid hair in new ways, and how to bake cookies that you’ve never even heard of before.)

I’m grateful for my family and for every frustrating moment and laugh and tear that they have wrung from me because through them I have come to realize that the world is more than just what I can see.

Make sure to check out the original Thankful Thursday as well this week. (If the link takes you to a list of thankful Thursday posts, then I have not been able to update it to this week’s post yet for any number of reasons, in which case, enjoy them all!)

Once and Again

Because hate is easier than hope, and anger is easier than faith… –blackkat, fanfic author


Alex had given up once.


And though that once had lasted several decades before he’d take up his life to actually live rather than survive didn’t mean that he didn’t remember the bitter taste of hatred guiding his actions and anger clouding every thought that he had.. So yes, he’d given up once and it had destroyed who he was and what he could have become.

But then hope appeared before him and faith invaded his life once more and he had learned to live again.

So he kept those memories of bitter despair and unforgiving defeat always in his mind to remind himself of what the other option in his life was. He wasn’t about to go back to that existence no matter what the payoff appeared to be at the time.

He had a lot to live for even if it was only one small person who was held safely in his arms.

“You’ll be a good uncle, Alex.” Mary looked exhausted though it had been several weeks since she had given birth and been released from the hospital, but a new baby, even with the help of her husband, is still a lot of work.

Especially for someone who had long since given up on the thought of ever getting to hold a newborn in her arms in the middle of the night, night after night and knowing that this tiny life was hers.

“How can you be sure of that, sister, you know what I am.” He whispers quietly.

It had taken him almost an hour to get his little nephew to go to sleep and he’d only offered and kept to it because Mary looked like she was going to break into hysterical tears as Terry continued to cry and Warren couldn’t take any more time off of work or he’d lose his job. (It wouldn’t be lost for long, but Warren and Mary were proud and didn’t want to accept a job from Alex that they felt hadn’t been earned and Warren’s supervisor was a jerk.)

Mary just sighed, sounding even more tired and Alex absolutely did not cringe. Outwardly.

“You are an idiot, brother mine.”

Her voice is so very tired that he finally does cringe.

“Alex, it’s all right for me to have faith in you. There’s nothing wrong with that and I’m going to continue to teach Terry that you are a good person no matter what you think about yourself. If I can’t change your mind, then I’m certain that my son can do it for me.”

Nothing else was said as she finally gave in to the call of her pillow and passed out, leaving Alex to hold his still sleeping nephew.

Well, nothing said other than the murmur of Alex’s voice as he speaks to his little nephew about this or that which happens to cross his mind. Words of science and mathematics a soothing lullaby for the sleeping child.

“Even if I can’t have faith in myself, little one, I can trust in the faith your mother has.” He whispers into the down hair, “She has seen me at my worst and still loved me enough to stay when others, friends and family, have left me in the dust. Too much of a monster for them to try and coax me back.”

Love of a Nephew – Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for this little plush Enderman that my eldest nephew loaned me forever ago because I love it so. Whenever I feel horrible (like today, roaming migraines are not nice things) he pulls it down from where I have it propped on the window sill by my bed and fiddles with it for a bit before handing it over to me to cuddle with. It always makes me feel better.

He got it for his birthday last year and he does play with it whenever he wants to, but he always brings it back to me whenever he’s done. It’s his toy and I know he loves it just as much as I do, but it makes me feel better when I have my migraines and so he leaves it in my room for surprise migraines. So really, it’s not that I’m thankful for the toy, I’m thankful for what it’s come to mean to me in regards to the love of my nephew.

Check out the original Thankful Thursday. (Will update link when able.)

For Better or Worse

They say that you don’t know the power you have as a mother, as a father, as a parent. You have all the power and time in the world in order to build them up, to help your child become everything.

You also have the power to destroy them utterly before they even have a chance with only a few words said at the worst possible moment.

There is no manual, no guidebook in what to do and what not to do save those that you have faith in and trust. Sometimes, even that isn’t enough due to wildly different circumstances and personalities.

And that’s why it’s so important that we watch what we say and how we act, because we don’t even know the power that is there when dealing with children, especially your own children.

These are the words that came to mind when I was watching an episode of the show “Code Black.” In the episode two brothers had been in a car accident that had taken the life of the younger brother. The older brother was driving drunk and was destroyed that he had caused his brother’s death. When their mother came, she was angry and grief-stricken and told her elder son that she had wished he had died instead.

Grief is a powerful thing, a dangerous thing, but something that we must go through if we wish to find peace.

In the show, the mother refuses to leave the hospital even if she won’t go and sit with her last living son. In fact, she denies that she even has another son for a good half of the show.

But she won’t leave the hospital, because no matter what she has said, her son, her eldest son, is still there.

In the end, she is able to overcome her anger and realize that her eldest son is already teetering on the edge of whether he wants to live anymore or not just with the knowledge that he helped to cause his brother’s death. One of the doctors (someone who had lost her husband and both children to a drunk driver before) tells the mother that she needs to let her son know that there is a reason for him to live.

Because the mother’s son has been asking the hospital to just let him die, because there is nothing left for him.

I don’t know all that the mother thought, because she wasn’t a main character in the show and the odds of her showing up again in a later episode aren’t very good, but I do know that the last scene we have of her is her holding her last son and telling him that he didn’t kill his brother and that she loves him.

She was crying and he was crying, but they were together and holding on to one another.

Once you are a parent, you are a parent until you die and likely even beyond that as well. Whether you are a good parent or a bad one isn’t static and it isn’t fate. It’s something you have to work for, something that you have to strive for and you will mess up, you will make mistakes and hurt your children. But that doesn’t mean that it has to be the end.

Don’t make it the end, no matter whether you have been a good parent or a bad one. There is always hope so long as you don’t completely give in to despair.

This child’s life is in your hands and your life is no longer about just you.

Now, it is about them.

Not So Unrequited – One-Liner Wednesday

Do you ever read one of those stories where people fall in what they believe is unrequited love only to have it turn out that it’s not as unrequited as they thought and then they float around on cloud nine when they realize that they love each other all along?

One of those kinds of stories just fell into my lap and I didn’t even know it until I was ¾ of the way through.

Check out the original One-Liner Wednesday. (Will update when able.)

Mistress Mary

Mistress Mary was not contrary

Nor was she quite so ordinary

Nor did she have a little lamb

Mary, you see, was quite the ham,

For yestereve,

When time was about to leave

She returned to home

For all day long

She’d been gone

Visiting children who swarm her in a throng.

Mom went to see my sister and her five children yesterday and they had a lot of fun. Mom’s so upbeat today that I came upstairs to her singing while she made biscuits and gravy for breakfast.