Put the Glass Down

Who am I if I can’t carry it all?

If I falter…

Who am I if I don’t have what it takes?

No cracks, no breaks

No mistakes, no pressure

-‘Surface Pressure’; from “Encanto”
But it's so hard to go on
Utilizing every source of energy
Reaching further and further inside
Not realizing what you're courting
Only knowing you just can't stop
Until there's nothing left to give
Then you fall and can't get up

I’m not the eldest of my siblings. I’m the third youngest, in fact, which would sound like still pretty up there, but I’m the sixth child my parents had, so it really means that I’m just barely not the end, but not really one of the middle two. I’ve watched different siblings at different times try to carry not only their own loads but those around them. I’ve done it, too. We seem to take turns in my family with doing that. It helps with the burnout that each of us have lived through of one thing or another.

I’ve been told that working like that with one another is…odd.

I don’t know why, though. Isn’t that what family is supposed to be about? Yeah, you have fights and arguments, and maybe you don’t talk a whole lot with each other sometimes, but when you’re family needs help? When you see your siblings fall, don’t you step up and help them? Even if you’re still angry and hurt, you still love them. You can love someone, but not really like them all of the time. That’s just being human. We don’t even always like ourselves, so why would that be any different with others?

I don’t really recall if I’ve written about this before, but it’s been rolling through my head since watching that part of the movie. That sister was approaching burnout at what she saw as the destruction of her family. After all, if she’s the strongest of them and she’s weak when all of the magic might be fading? And her entire concept of her worth is based on what she can do? That’s a recipe for disaster, Disney movie or no.

It’s healthy for someone to take time away in order to rest. Even if they don’t go back to what they were doing before they burned out, it’s important. A person’s worth is more than what they can do.

I Stumble

If you’re not making mistakes, you’re doing it wrong. If you don’t fix your mistakes, you’re really doing it wrong. If you don’t admit to your mistakes, you’re not doing it at all. –TheSovereigntyofReality

Even as I sit and stare
Reaching inside for something more
Right or wrong pulling inside
Only to leave me confused
Reacting as I stumble through

One Moment

Freedom isn’t about getting to do everything you want; it’s about being responsible for everything you do, and being responsible for the results of what you do as well. As a free person, you get to choose, but you also have to be responsible for your choices. –MarbleGlove

For oft have I stood on the path
Reasoning to myself where to turn
Even as the road stretches onward
Eclipsing the option to return

Stir Crazy – Manic Monday

For I have felt fear
Lurking behind me
Even as I seek shelter
Especially with what I face before me

So my dogs figured out how to open the chicken yard this morning. No chickens or ducks were harmed in the events that followed, but I spent about an hour with my niece and then nephew trying to catch our birds and put them back. Most of them were fairly easy to catch with the help of our oldest dog. Vincent is very skilled at pinning our chickens without hurting them and can even pick them up without harming or killing them.

Our rooster, on the other hand, got out of the yard entirely. My niece and I chased up all up and down the easement to the south of our property. He kept trying to run out onto the road, which is a major road in our valley. We finally managed to pin and capture him, but it was very tiring and we were all scratched up. The easement is mostly a steep little hill that leads from our fence to the road.

I’m pretty sure commuters got a kick out of watching a grown woman and a teen chase a rooster alternately away from the two roads while occasionally lunging in an attempt to catch him. (Our house is on a corner.)

He evaded us every time until we were able to herd him around the fence and into the actual front yard where we pinned him in a hedge that partially shields the house from the road.

Manic Monday

My sister has returned to work
Even as her children remain home
Letting everyone know the risks
To keeping things running, yet safe
Don’t think we aren’t worried
Or flippantly scoffing
We have to keep going forward
Not leaving things on a cliffhanger

My sister’s job is going on a three-shift format to reduce the risk of people getting sick. There is an option of working from home if you have to quarantine, which we did use for two weeks after she came back from California. (It was a business trip, and everyone was sent home early when things really started to move fast in the U.S.)

I’m very grateful for the fact that my anxiety meds were adjusted right before things went down with the pandemic. Very grateful. It also helps that I generally get along well with my family.

Also, in the mental health history of my family, we’ve always done better when we have cats and/or dogs. We have cats, dogs, and a bunch of farm animals. That helps a ton.

Casts Arise

Why ever have you done this
And trampled over me
Kept your joy contained
Even as it reigned free

Unless this was the plan
Perhaps more clever you are than I am

So I’ve got a cold and feel like crap. I wasn’t going to get up for a while yet because I was warm for once. One of our dogs, Helena, didn’t like that I wasn’t up right now this second. So she catapulted herself not just onto my bed, but directly onto me and started jumping around. She’s a medium-sized dog, our smallest, but she’s still a decent size and heavy enough to knock the air right out of you.

It wasn’t the wake-up call I had in mind and it was at least two hours earlier than I had planned. Unfortunately, I know from experience that trying to go back to bed while Helena wants you up isn’t just futile, it’s also incredibly foolish. She has no problems using her little claws to aid you in arising. Her claws aren’t sharp enough to cut, but they still hurt. (Clipping her nails is hard because they’re black and I don’t want to clip too far.)

Of course, heaven help you if you need to get up and she’s asleep on you.

Being Alive

Listen to the body’s words
In the event of pain
Very unusual to withstand
Even as infection is lanced

So my orange tabby, ‘Cutis has a puncture on one of his legs. It’s healing, but I have to lance it for any new infection at least once a day because of the way cats heal. If a cat has a wound, it has to heal on the inside before you let it fully scab over (unless there are stitches involved, I think.) If you don’t let it heal on the inside first, then it can become infected and burn through a cat’s skin making a new hole.

It was not fun learning that with a previous cat.

Anyway, with other cats, it hasn’t been fun having to lance a scabbed-over wound to make sure it isn’t growing infected underneath the scab. Very few animals like it with you have to clean and bandage a wound in the first place, much less have to lance it at least once a day, just in case.

‘Cutis lets me lance any infection with at least two pokes before he gets antsy. He could break free really easy but just shifts away from me a little. He’s large and strong and heavy, but he just lets me check his wound over as it heals. I can’t remember anyone, animal or not, who let me do that something like that so often. The fact that it was with someone who I can only understand via body language…

‘Cutis might be one of the most patient and calm person I have ever met.IMG_20200225_082354936

image: ‘Cutis; from martha0stout’s phone

Movement, Please

Can’t seem to move forward
Really thought this’d have some momentum
Aware this slump will pass
Waiting while backsliding
Learning lessons again and again

Sorry. Was feeling a little down there for a bit, but my nephew came in and helped me with something completely unrelated to what I was down about and now I feel better.

Sometimes we really do need all the reviews for life lessons that we can get because we’re human. We’re not always going to remember what they are.

Gates For Thought – Thankful Thursday

Got to stop progression
And wait for things to come
The moment isn’t here yet
Evening hasn’t rung

Sometimes we have to slow down. We live in a world that wants instant gratification. Wants things now and not later. We want that, too. We don’t want to wait and sit still, don’t want to acknowledge that we can’t run when it’s hard to even just walk

We want to do things, we want to do them when we want to.

But sometimes we need to slow down and wait. Not because patience is a virtue, but because we need to move slowly so as not to hurt ourselves. You don’t expect something broken and just glued back together to be hardened and solid for a while, after all. We need to remember that about ourselves as well.

This was supposed to be a post on how I’m still grateful for child gates as we have to use one to keep the dogs away from a section of drywall we have to replace while renovating the kitchen. Then I got tired and distracted. Still, I am grateful for the gates not just for how I’ve needed to use them, but also for when something like this makes me think.