Take a Breath

So things keep coming fast
Until buried I am
Reacting without thinking
Vision impaired
Insisting I see fine
Void overtaking thought
Even as the walls close in

Only realizing when firmly lost
Reaching out for some direction

Take each moment
Hear my heart beat
Remember I’ve done this before
Instead of slipping, standing strong
Voice found with the path
Everyone gets lost

Just don’t give up, decide to…

Looking up yet in
I find myself again
Victories start small
Even as movement pushes forward off the wall

Go Forth

Can’t seem to think
Reaction time’s all wrong
And watching the day go by
Went through the motions
Life, take control of my own

Told my niece the other day to take control of her life. Told her that she needed to find something to focus on and not just exist day-to-day.

The irony of me needing to hear the same said to me is not lost on me. Some days you can walk, others you can run, and then there are the days that feel like you’re crawling an inch at a time. The important thing is to just keep going.

Put the Glass Down

Who am I if I can’t carry it all?

If I falter…

Who am I if I don’t have what it takes?

No cracks, no breaks

No mistakes, no pressure

-‘Surface Pressure’; from “Encanto”
But it's so hard to go on
Utilizing every source of energy
Reaching further and further inside
Not realizing what you're courting
Only knowing you just can't stop
Until there's nothing left to give
Then you fall and can't get up

I’m not the eldest of my siblings. I’m the third youngest, in fact, which would sound like still pretty up there, but I’m the sixth child my parents had, so it really means that I’m just barely not the end, but not really one of the middle two. I’ve watched different siblings at different times try to carry not only their own loads but those around them. I’ve done it, too. We seem to take turns in my family with doing that. It helps with the burnout that each of us have lived through of one thing or another.

I’ve been told that working like that with one another is…odd.

I don’t know why, though. Isn’t that what family is supposed to be about? Yeah, you have fights and arguments, and maybe you don’t talk a whole lot with each other sometimes, but when you’re family needs help? When you see your siblings fall, don’t you step up and help them? Even if you’re still angry and hurt, you still love them. You can love someone, but not really like them all of the time. That’s just being human. We don’t even always like ourselves, so why would that be any different with others?

I don’t really recall if I’ve written about this before, but it’s been rolling through my head since watching that part of the movie. That sister was approaching burnout at what she saw as the destruction of her family. After all, if she’s the strongest of them and she’s weak when all of the magic might be fading? And her entire concept of her worth is based on what she can do? That’s a recipe for disaster, Disney movie or no.

It’s healthy for someone to take time away in order to rest. Even if they don’t go back to what they were doing before they burned out, it’s important. A person’s worth is more than what they can do.

I Stumble

If you’re not making mistakes, you’re doing it wrong. If you don’t fix your mistakes, you’re really doing it wrong. If you don’t admit to your mistakes, you’re not doing it at all. –TheSovereigntyofReality

Even as I sit and stare
Reaching inside for something more
Right or wrong pulling inside
Only to leave me confused
Reacting as I stumble through

One Moment

Freedom isn’t about getting to do everything you want; it’s about being responsible for everything you do, and being responsible for the results of what you do as well. As a free person, you get to choose, but you also have to be responsible for your choices. –MarbleGlove

For oft have I stood on the path
Reasoning to myself where to turn
Even as the road stretches onward
Eclipsing the option to return

Stir Crazy – Manic Monday

For I have felt fear
Lurking behind me
Even as I seek shelter
Especially with what I face before me

So my dogs figured out how to open the chicken yard this morning. No chickens or ducks were harmed in the events that followed, but I spent about an hour with my niece and then nephew trying to catch our birds and put them back. Most of them were fairly easy to catch with the help of our oldest dog. Vincent is very skilled at pinning our chickens without hurting them and can even pick them up without harming or killing them.

Our rooster, on the other hand, got out of the yard entirely. My niece and I chased up all up and down the easement to the south of our property. He kept trying to run out onto the road, which is a major road in our valley. We finally managed to pin and capture him, but it was very tiring and we were all scratched up. The easement is mostly a steep little hill that leads from our fence to the road.

I’m pretty sure commuters got a kick out of watching a grown woman and a teen chase a rooster alternately away from the two roads while occasionally lunging in an attempt to catch him. (Our house is on a corner.)

He evaded us every time until we were able to herd him around the fence and into the actual front yard where we pinned him in a hedge that partially shields the house from the road.

Manic Monday

My sister has returned to work
Even as her children remain home
Letting everyone know the risks
To keeping things running, yet safe
Don’t think we aren’t worried
Or flippantly scoffing
We have to keep going forward
Not leaving things on a cliffhanger

My sister’s job is going on a three-shift format to reduce the risk of people getting sick. There is an option of working from home if you have to quarantine, which we did use for two weeks after she came back from California. (It was a business trip, and everyone was sent home early when things really started to move fast in the U.S.)

I’m very grateful for the fact that my anxiety meds were adjusted right before things went down with the pandemic. Very grateful. It also helps that I generally get along well with my family.

Also, in the mental health history of my family, we’ve always done better when we have cats and/or dogs. We have cats, dogs, and a bunch of farm animals. That helps a ton.

Casts Arise

Why ever have you done this
And trampled over me
Kept your joy contained
Even as it reigned free

Unless this was the plan
Perhaps more clever you are than I am

So I’ve got a cold and feel like crap. I wasn’t going to get up for a while yet because I was warm for once. One of our dogs, Helena, didn’t like that I wasn’t up right now this second. So she catapulted herself not just onto my bed, but directly onto me and started jumping around. She’s a medium-sized dog, our smallest, but she’s still a decent size and heavy enough to knock the air right out of you.

It wasn’t the wake-up call I had in mind and it was at least two hours earlier than I had planned. Unfortunately, I know from experience that trying to go back to bed while Helena wants you up isn’t just futile, it’s also incredibly foolish. She has no problems using her little claws to aid you in arising. Her claws aren’t sharp enough to cut, but they still hurt. (Clipping her nails is hard because they’re black and I don’t want to clip too far.)

Of course, heaven help you if you need to get up and she’s asleep on you.