Self

We have no control over their actions. We can only control our own.

Levi Savage, “17 Miracles”

There comes a time in life
When we stand in pain
Hurt by the actions of others
Knowing how easy to lash back
Whether it is deserved or not is not known
In the end, it matters not
For each must answer for our own
Not for another

It can take time for someone to learn a new way of thinking, a new way of living. It’s not something easily done or even done just once. It’s a choice that has to be made again and again. Sometimes you’ll find yourself backsliding for the way forward is harder than you thought and you are tired. That doesn’t mean you can’t turn and keep going again. Others might step away from you while you are working on yourself, just as you might step away from your path. There is never any guarantee that they will return to you, and though that might hurt terribly, we have to accept another’s choice. That isn’t easy. None of this is easy. Life isn’t easy, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it.

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Waiting It Out

Got to work through the emotions
Remembering it hits each of us differently
Isn’t it strange the peace some feel
Even as others break down into tears
For parting is more than sweet sorrow

The Choice

While movement is needed to heal
Ordinary tasks feel impossible
Relying on determination to power through
Taking time to rest is also required
Hoping that everything holds together

Times I have wondered, in pain
Having the thought of another way
Even as I know there is not

All I can know is to move
Going forward needed regardless
Opening myself to healing pain
Not going to ignore what’s needed
Years it may take, but not regretted

Started this because I’ve thrown out my back and it’s agony to work through the stretches for something like a week now. It got me thinking about the pain from emotional and mental wounds, though. We have to stretch in more ways than just physically when we’re hurt in more ways than just physical. It hurts when you’re healing because you’re having to build back up a piece at a time and you still have to rest to keep what’s healing from breaking down all over again.

I read a post once about a child and their parent arguing over whether whatever doesn’t kill you actually makes you stronger. The dad went away for a bit and then came back and reminded their kid about how they had fixed the kid’s bookshelf after it broke and how the use of the wood glue with the screws had made the shelf stronger now than it had been before it broke. Because they had been talking about this, the dad realized that it wasn’t the breaking of the shelf that made it stronger, but the act of fixing or healing it, which was a choice that they had made instead of just throwing the shelf out.

So it isn’t the thing that tried to hurt or kill you that makes you stronger after surviving, it’s the choice you make to heal and then sticking to that choice even as it hurts.

It’s Not About What You Earn

Don’t you talk about someone I love like that
Even as I try to keep my temper
Speaking evenly instead of spitting
Reaching inside for whatever calm there is
Even as they continue harshly
Verging on starting a full-blown fight
Especially don’t talk about yourself that way
Speaking about someone I care about includes you

I get into arguments with one of my siblings sometimes. They have a hard time when speaking about themselves and sometimes when speaking with others as well. It bothers me because I care about not only the others my sibling is speaking about, but about them, the speaker, as well. I see a meme sometimes about how someone warns a group of people not to talk about their loved one like that or they’re going to get a punch to the face. This is usually followed by that loved one speaking poorly about themselves and the other immediately having to find a way to follow through with their original threat.

That meme always made me laugh.

It’s both not as funny while also still being hilarious having to experience it in real life.

Quiet the Mind in the Snow

Don’t stop moving forward
Remember that you can pause to rest
Instinct says to push, push, push
Voice tired and straining to keep up
Even as you stop for a breath
Walking onward and onward
And knowing you can’t do it alone
You remember who works beside you

I like to work, to clean. It’s something that I’ve always enjoyed even as my ability to keep working through the hours has waned, the time I’m able to put into physically cleaning or organizing has shortened.

I was asked once why I like cleaning so much. I thought about it a lot and I realized just why I enjoy it. Moving meditation. I took a meditation class when I was younger and found that I struggled to sit still and clear my mind. There was always something running through my head and I didn’t know how to let the thoughts float away. However, I can let my thoughts go when I’m cleaning something.

Cleaning or organizing lets my body move and lets me focus on letting thoughts drift by instead of feeling the urge to hold onto them. Which is a good thing, considering we have a large driveway to be cleared of snow now, but only have one working snow shovel. I don’t have to clear the whole thing by myself, which is good, because I can’t, but I can work on it and let it help clear my mind.

It makes it easier to go back to studying once I’ve used up my physical energy to the point that my mind is calm once more.

Strength To Carry On

Remember each moment that’s gone by
Even as you say farewell
Grief lets you know of the love
Rent from you by the veil
Each precious moment a shining star
Taking your heart as they fell

I was told once that you know you’re an adult when you have to make your own doctor appointments. I’ve found that, though this is true, it’s also…not.

You know you’re an adult when you have to schedule a final appointment for a beloved, but slowly dying family pet.

Just remember that your love for them can keep you warm after they’ve gone ahead.

Take a Breath

So things keep coming fast
Until buried I am
Reacting without thinking
Vision impaired
Insisting I see fine
Void overtaking thought
Even as the walls close in

Only realizing when firmly lost
Reaching out for some direction

Take each moment
Hear my heart beat
Remember I’ve done this before
Instead of slipping, standing strong
Voice found with the path
Everyone gets lost

Just don’t give up, decide to…

Looking up yet in
I find myself again
Victories start small
Even as movement pushes forward off the wall

Go Forth

Can’t seem to think
Reaction time’s all wrong
And watching the day go by
Went through the motions
Life, take control of my own

Told my niece the other day to take control of her life. Told her that she needed to find something to focus on and not just exist day-to-day.

The irony of me needing to hear the same said to me is not lost on me. Some days you can walk, others you can run, and then there are the days that feel like you’re crawling an inch at a time. The important thing is to just keep going.

Spiral Spine

Take a step back
Wait for a breath
In and out
Silent as you think
Talk when you are calm

This is to remind you to breath, in case you forget to breath.

Julian cianciolo, youtuber

Grief’s Sorrow

To find yourself alone
Even as you cradle them close
Now there will be a time
Don't fight the pull
Embrace the tears running down
Remember there is more than this place