Holes

“It tears holes in people in different ways.  Holes you can’t fill.  That’s not what you’re trying to do.  You’re not trying to fill it.  You’re trying to help them live with it.”

 

“Star, you need to grieve.”

“I have.”

Solaris shook her head, the earrings on her ears tinkling as the symbols on them making the soft noise, “You haven’t, Star, you really haven’t.”

Star says nothing; the black of her suit doesn’t sparkle the way it used to, the way it’s supposed to as a representation of the night sky.

“Star-“

The young-seeming woman turns and for the first time since Solaris has been crowned the Solar Monarch walks away without so much as a gesture to the woman she’s sworn to protect and obey until the day the Solar Monarch is laid to rest in the ground.

Solaris watches with sorrow-filled eyes as her oldest friend walks away from her.

“Oh, my dear friend, just because she is lost doesn’t mean that your sister won’t ever be found.”

Star doesn’t hear her, she’s too far away, lost in the grief that she won’t let herself feel.

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What is Light Without Dark?

“The closer one gets to the light, the greater the shadow he casts.”

 

With Comet gone, things were…different. The two had been so good at working together partially because one would work in the light while the other worked in the shadows. As their names often pointed out, Star was better at working in the light, her abilities far flashier along with her name. Comet was quiet and subtle, only noticed when the consequences of her actions were inevitable.

Comet was a force that could not be swayed once her course was set in.

Star was an immovable object that would burn up whatever tried to make her move in the first place.

One was the light, bright and burning and always there; the other was the shadow, cold and dark and just passing through.

Now the shadow was gone, but the need for it was still there.

Star closed her eyes and felt the bond between her and her sister knotted and choked off. It was forever bleeding between them, though the leakage would only flow over on her side. (She hoped that was true, hoped and wished so very hard.)

She felt when the blood seeped over her half of their shared soul crystal enough to stain it red.

The Crimson Warrior opened her eyes once more.

There is work to be done.

Just Stop

I didn’t want to exist anymore, so I stopped existing.

 

Sometimes she just wanted everything to stop. To not be there at the back of her head so that she could finally not be that person anymore.

The person whose parents didn’t even know she existed until they were trying to kill her.

The person who had to all but rip her sister’s mind apart in order to fix it. Twice.

The person who would be trapped forever watching over a family that, while the main line would live long would eventually grow old and die.

Leaving her alone.

She just wanted it all to stop so that she didn’t have to look at the long and lonely years that stretched before her without end.

She wanted to stop existing.

But she couldn’t.

To do so would require all of the stars in the universe to stop shining, ending life as anyone knew it.

She couldn’t be selfish like that.

So she kept going.

No matter how much she was dead inside.


Why am I writing this depressing thing? Because it wanted to be written that way.

Not Soft Enough

Time has its way of softening things, but sometimes, even forever isn’t long enough. –from an unknown fanfic

 

Pain is something that she was intimately familiar with, she was born in pain, the sundering of two that had once been one and never been anything else had been almost enough to destroy the two halves that remained in the wake of the loss of the one. The fact that she had to go through with that same feeling once more, this time because she actually chose to do so, left her feeling things that were impossible to describe even to someone who had felt the same thing.

No one could have felt the same thing, though because they had never found another set that was even close to being like them.

Except they were no longer a set anymore. Just two people who were as adrift from one another as they were to others.

“Time will heal these wounds.” She was assured by many.

“Did it heal the death of your soulmate?” she asked one.

“That was different…”

“Only in that you were not strong enough to continue on in that life,” she held up a hand to forestall an offended outburst that was sure to come, “I do not mean that as a slight against you. You were much younger than I; you are still much younger than I as this is your second life, started only a thousand years before while this is still my first which started well over three thousand years before your second life even was a blip. Time will not heal this wound, it may try to scar over with roughened tissue, but that tissue will continually be ripped open once more. There is nothing to be done about it, I just have to live or at least survive.”

The Lunar Monarch smiled sadly, not offended in the least. She knew that she hadn’t been strong enough in her past life; it had been something that had worried her about this life. She had constantly been trying to check herself to make sure she had what it took to fulfill her duties to her people. She hadn’t been concerned with her people in her past life because she’d been stupid, young yes, but very stupid and self-centered as well without meaning to be. She just didn’t want the woman in front of her to break either, not like she had.

“That is still a type of healing, my friend, though it will never heal completely so long as you live and we both know that you will continue to live because you are far stronger than most of us. We have all broken and shattered and been scattered to the winds. It is why we are concerned for you. We don’t want to watch another so dear to us shatter…”

Star finally softened and leaned her head against the other blonde, “I know…it just hurts…so much.”

A tear slid down her cheek, but it was alone in its journey. That didn’t stop the Lunar Monarch from gathering the fragile woman against her chest and rocking her gently.

For Now

“You won’t forget her just because you let yourself heal.” –from a fanfiction

 

Star didn’t want to heal.

Everyone knew that and no one said anything about it. Most didn’t want to bother, still didn’t trust her or were too afraid to bring something like that up to one of the few chaos-souled that had never lost control of themselves in a way that was dangerous to those she had sworn to protect. Not even her sister had been able to keep that oath (though precious few would ever admit that to even themselves). Star had never lost control of her abilities or herself even when she’d felt the complete destruction of her sister-soul’s control and stability of mind.

That didn’t mean that Star wasn’t hurt, though, or that she was stable. She just wasn’t dangerous, a loose cannon, whatever people wanted to call it.

She hurt and she existed and she continued to protect and fight and do just about everything but go crazy and die or actually live.

Star was fine with that.

Others, not so much.

“I just think that spending time with Jack might help.”

“I am not going in for counseling with Jack.”

“I didn’t say that! Just, I don’t know, hang out?”

“No.”

“It’s not like he’s going to do anything.”

“Good, because there’s nothing to do.”

“Star…”

“Lane.”

Solaris huffed a small laugh, knowing without having to say anything that the only reason Star had used her Private Name was to tell her that Star was just fine with the way things were and to politely back off.

The Solar Monarch allowed it.

For now.

Nothing More

I am my purpose, nothing more, nothing less. –unknown

 

There wasn’t anything left for Comet, it seemed. She was cast out, banished, never to return again to the place of her creation, the land where her sister even now likely stood in a daze.

Star trembled as she pictured her beloved sister, lost and so very far away and likely trembling with uncertainty.

“It was needed.” Her purpose spoke softly and gently, though the cruelty in the truth of her words was unintentional, it could not be avoided.

Star didn’t move, not even to blink.

The truth was cruel only if you could not accept it.

“She will have a chance now.”

Star still said nothing.

What was done was done.

And now all she had, all she’d ever had it seemed, was her duty.

Solaris said nothing more. Words were meaningless to one who had said them in her initial arguments anyway. Star had spoken for her sister and known what would be the price to pay in order for this to happen, but knowing and experiencing are two very different things. Of this fact Solaris was certain; Star would likely never be able to fully live ever again, so long as she was separate from her sister Comet.

It’s just that…

Solaris did not glance at her old friend, but she did lean towards her and rest a shoulder against the smaller woman’s shoulder.

Star often had trouble dealing with the aftermath of her decisions when they ended up affecting those she cared about in ways that weren’t easily shifted. It was likely that none of them would ever see Comet ever again and that was about as permanent as you could get for their kind. Even death wasn’t as permanent for their kind as being alive and completely out of reach.

“I will adjust, Your Majesty.”

Solaris sighed in resignation, “There is no need for formality, my friend.”

Star said nothing for a long moment before a light shiver ran down her spine. Solaris only noticed it because of how she was still leaning up against the smaller woman.

“Solaris,” the blonde whispered, “Right now, it is all I have.”

‘But you don’t, you still have the rest of us.’ Solaris didn’t speak those words, didn’t even broadcast them mentally. It was still too soon.

She wondered how long it would continue to be too soon.

Surgery

I don’t want to survive, I want to live! –Captain of the Axiom, Wall-E

 

The process was painful.

Of course it was painful; they were all but severing a powerful bond that had existed for millions of years.

A divide where there had never been one before, not even when a similar injury had happened in the past. It was wrenching and it wasn’t clean cut nor was it jagged. It was all of these things and more besides. Painful beyond the human comprehension and an agony that would last for the rest of their lives.

But it was necessary in order for healing to happen.

Sometimes, in order for something to heal, you must first cut out that which is damaged and twisted before it can start to rot and take the whole with it.

The fact that at least one of them had to be conscious during the entirety of the procedure just made it all the more horrific for those directing the procedure. Though it was a blessing that it did not require both of them to be awake and so they placed Comet as far into her subconscious as they dared.

“I can do this for her. I can do this a thousand times.”

That was what Star had said when her Queen had expressed concern.

And she would.

Wouldn’t you do everything you could for your family? So that they could do more than just survive, but so that they could, in truth, live?

“If our positions were reversed, she would do this for me.” She had insisted when others had expressed doubt.

The Queen had silenced any further doubts once she realized that they doubted someone who was Chaos-souled the ability to care about anyone, let alone about family.

Star didn’t hold it against anyone. For one thing, she just didn’t have the energy nor the care to give what other people thought at the moment. For another, they had just finished a war that had the Enemy, most of whom were Chaos-souled, being as vicious and ruthless as possible. Including against their own kind.

(Especially against their own kind.)

But Star had been around a lot longer than those who would cast asperations on her for whatever reasoning or excuse they wanted at that time. (Things had really changed since the truth about their joined soul had been released.) She would likely continue on long after they were gone.

And really?

Nothing was more important that her sister and surviving through the pain of the soul-sundering ritual that they were trying in order to cut out the twisted and corrupted parts of Comet and Star’s metaphysical minds. If Star faltered, then it was likely that the operation would fail and Comet would be no better off than she had been before.

And Star couldn’t just sit back and do nothing, not when there was a chance that her sister would get better.

Because she would, if this ritual worked, then she would get better.

So Star gathered up all the love she had for her sister in her heart, in her soul, and set herself to outlast the pain and agony of the metaphysical surgery that would all but sever the connection between their minds and souls.