You often wonder at the words that people speak, saying that they would never allow such a thing to take place when they have not only allowed it, but actively sought to bring it about. How is this helping? Is there even a point to what they are doing? Why say one thing and then do another?
It is very confusing, but then again with the life that you have lived, you have grown used to such hypocrisy. You wonder if it will ever change, this need for society to espouse one thing and yet bring about the complete opposite.
In the end, you vow to do differently and teach your children differently and hope that the future is in better hands.
Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.
It’s morning and you wake up in bed. The bed is not familiar nor is the room that you’ve woken in. Your clothing isn’t familiar either and though they are cozy feeling against your skin, you are frightened but trying not to show it.
You hop out of bed and look into the closet. More unfamiliar clothes but half of them fit you while the other half you can tell with a glance belong to a man. You dress quickly, not paying attention to what you throw on except that it fits. You ease the door open and find a hall. You creep down it, listening intently for any sounds.
“Do you think she’s up yet?” You hear from a room at the end of the hall. Light spills from an open doorway.
“Soon enough. She was pretty out of it last night.”
You listen carefully for anything else, but the rest of the conversation is nothing important or earth shattering, they’re only talking about the weather and whether it will rain later in the day or not.
The floorboards squeak under you and you flinch as the sound of someone standing from a chair reaches you. You are too afraid to move as a man comes to the doorway.
“Honey!” he smiles and a part of you wants to be afraid because you still don’t recognize anything, but another part of you feels safe just by the look in his eyes. “I’m glad you’re awake!”
You’ve often heard people say that they aren’t in charge of their lives, that they are just ‘along for the ride.’
How does it feel, then, to know that you don’t even have that?
When you are not even along for the ride in whatever is happening in your life? You are nothing more than a bystander watching as everything else goes on and everyone else leaves you behind?
How does it feel to be invisible, well and truly invisible, in your own life?
It feels like you are dying, slowly and surely and yet are already dead even though you are still moving and walking and eating and sleeping and doing everything that people do when they are alive and yet you are not actually living because you are not acknowledged at all.
You’re not even really surviving because parts of you are dying every day as life goes on all around you and yet not with you or even within you. To be in this perpetual funk that is truly killing you with each and every passing moment that it stays entrenched within your heart and mind.
Maybe some day that will change and you will live once more.